Capital Reviews

 Mouthwashing [game] THIS IS A FOLLOWUP (SEQUEL!?) TO HOW FISH ARE MADE AND IT'S EXTREMELY GOOD. IT'S LIKE 2 HOURS LONG AND HAS LIKE 10 MINUTES OF ACTUAL GAMEPLAY AND JUST AN AMAZINGLY WELL TOLD STORY. IT'S THE GAME TACOMA SHOULD HAVE BEEN.  PS. I PLAYED THIS IN A COMPLETELY DARK ROOM SO IT FLASH BANGED ME WE "TAKE RESPONSIBILITY" SO I THE WORDS BURNED INTO MY VISION WHEN I BLINKED AND IT'S NOT LIKE THE GAME ACTUALLY TRIED TO DO THAT BUT JESUS CHRIST THAT MADE AN ORGANIC CHILLING MOMENT, HOLY FUCK. 

 Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth [game] AH, I LIKE THIS GAME A LOT. A TON OF IT IS BORING OR UNFUN, BUT THE MIDDLE PART OF FINAL FANTASY 7 WAS ALWAY THAT. I FEEL LIKE THIS IS THE FIRST THING IN DECADES THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE IT WAS FINAL FANTASY. EVEN REMAKE DIDN'T REALLY. I FEEL LIKE IT JUST DID SUCH A GREAT JOB MAKING EVERY STUPID CHARACTER SO INSTANTLY CHARMING.  PS. IT'S 100% JUST THEM STEALING THE TRICK FROM YAKUZA GAMES BUT GOD I LOVE HOW MUCH IT LETS THE QUESTS JUST SPIRAL OUT AND OUT WITH STUPIDER AND STUPIDER DISTRACTIONS. LIKE YOU ARE FOLLOWING A ~MYSTERIOUS ROBED FIGURE~ BUT HE WALKS ON THE BEACH AND YOU AREN'T ALLOWED TO GO ON THE BEACH WITHOUT A BIKINI SO YOU HAVE TO GO ON A DATING GAMESHOW TO WIN ON, AND THEN TO WIN THE DATING GAME SHOW YOU HAVE TO PLAY IN A DOG SOCCER LEAGUE AGAINST LITTLE ANIMATED CATS. IT'S NOT EVEN A FUN GAME! IT'S JUST CHARMING HOW FAR IT GOES WITH NESTING STUPID SIDE STUFF. YOU HAVE TO USE A DRESS UP AS A SOLDIER AND USE A DOLPHIN TO ...

 Mickey 17 [movie] I LIKE THIS MOVIE QUITE A LOT. IT'S A GOOD MOVIE AND ENJOYED IT. I DO GOTTA SAY IT DID MY LEAST FAVORITE THING IT FEELS LIKE BAD SCI-FI AND FANTASY DOES: COME UP WITH A REALLY HIGH CONCEPT PREMISE FOR A SETTING THEN HAVE THE INCITING INCIDENT OF THE PLOT BE 'WHAT IF IT STOPPED BEING LIKE THAT' AND I GET IT, A STORY NEEDS A CHANGE IN STATUS QUO TO BE A STORY BUT IT ALWAYS SEEMS WORSE THAN IF IT GOES THE OTHER WAY.  PS. THIS MOVIE WAS HIGH LEVELS OF TRUMP PARODY AND THAT ALWAYS SUCKS. THIS ONE DID A GOOD JOB WITH IT MOSTLY, BUT IT ALSO SHOWS WHY YOU CAN'T MAKE A GOOD TRUMP PARODY. IT HAS A WHOLE "WOULDN'T IT BE SO WACKY AND OVER THE TOP IF THE RED HAT FOLLOWERS DID A THING THAT WAS ALMOST BUT NOT QUITE A NAZI SALUTE???" BUT THIS MOVIE TOOK LONGER THAN A MONTH TO FILM AND COME OUT SO LIKE, THE PARODY THING IS WATERED DOWN COMPARED TO THE REAL THINGS THAT HAPPENED SINCE THE SCENE WAS FILMED. AND 'WHAT IF A THING THAT HAPPENED IN REAL LIF...

Dragon Ball: Daima [anime, television] I REALLY TRULY GENUINELY LOVE THAT EVERY SINGLE NEW CHARACTER IS STUPID AND ANNOYING. I FEEL LIKE DRAGON BALL GOT TOO OBSESSED FOR TOO LONG WITH BEING 'BADASS' AND LOST SOMETHING. THEN THIS IS TORYIAMA'S LAST THING AND IT'S GOT A THEMESONG TELLING YOU HOW MANY JOKES THERE IS GOING TO BE THEN EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER IS VERY STUPID AND VERY ANNOYING. IT RULES. A LOT OF STUFF SUFFERS A LITTLE BY NEVER GOING ANYWHERE (OH NO, MY BODY IS LITTLE, I CAN'T FLY, YES I CAN, OH NO THE AIR IS HEAVY, NEVER MIND) BUT IT BEING DRAGON QUEST DRAGON BALL IS PERFECT 'FINAL' DRAGON BALL.  PS. I WATCHED THE FIRST HALF OF THIS IN AN AIRPORT IN BRAZIL THEN THE SECOND HALF RIGHT NOW AND THAT FEELS MORE CORRECT THAN EVEN WATCHING IT IN JAPAN WOULD HAVE BEEN. 

 Everybody Rides the Carousel [movie] I THINK INSTAGRAM DECIDED TO SHOW EVERYONE CLIPS OF THIS SUDDENLY. THE CLIPS ARE LEGITIMATELY FAIRLY CHARMING, AND THE WHOLE THING IS JUST ON YOUTUBE SO I WATCHED IT.  IT'S FINE.  THE CLIPPED PARTS ARE THE MOST CHARMING PARTS. PS. THE WHOLE THING HAS A WEIRD TONE OF BEING LIKE, CULT PROPOGANDA BUT IS ABOUT THE MOST MUNDANE AND NON-CONTROVERSIAL THEORY OF CHILD DEVELOPMENT YOU CAN IMAGINE. 

 Here [movie] THIS IS SPIRTUALLY FOREST GUMP TWO WHERE INSTEAD OF TOM HANKS GOING OUT INTO THE WORLD HE JUST STAYED HOME AND HAD A CGI HEAD. IT'S 2 HOURS OF A CAMERA THAT NEVER MOVES THAT JUMPS BETWEEN EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED IN ONE SPOT, WHICH APPARENTLY INCLUDES BEING THE SPOT THE DINOSAURS DIED, THE SPOT BEN FRANKLIN HUNG OUT, THE SPOT LA-Z-BOY CHAIRS WERE INVENTED, ALSO THIS MOVIE WAS JUST BAD, BUT I KINDA DON'T FEEL LIKE I *GOT* IT, TOM HANKS MOSTLY JUST HAD A DISAPPOINTING LIFE AND I FEEL LIKE "BUT HIS FAMILY LOVED HIM' IS HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE BUT HIS FAMILY MOSTLY DIDN'T LIKE HIM.  PS. THE BEST PART WAS THE WEIRD BUILD UP FORESHADOWING WHERE A GUY'S WHOLE STORY IS JUST CUTTING TO HIM BEING OBSESSED WITH 1900S AIRPLANES AND EVERY SINGLE SCENE BEING SOME FORESHADOWING OF HIM DYING IN A PLANE CRASH THEN IT CUTTING TO HIS FUNERAL AND HAVING A TWILIGHT ZONE TWIST WHERE YOU CAN'T SEE ANYONE'S FACE THEN THEY ARE LIKE "PLANE CRASH? OH NO, HE...