Capital Reviews

 The Electric State [movie] I DON'T KNOW. THIS MOVIE IS PERFECTLY FINE BUT I THINK I HATE IT. THEY GOT AN INTERNET ARTIST THAT DOES AMAZING ARTWORK AND THEY ACTUALLY ACTUALLY DID A REALLY GOOD JOB TRANSLATING HIS IMAGES TO FILM. LIKE THEY DID THAT ALL RIGHT! THEN THEY MADE A GENERIC QUIPPY "ERM, THAT JUST HAPPENED" MOVIE OUT OF IT AND I THINK I HATE THAT SO MUCH. LIKE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A TOTALLY FINE B+ OF A MOVIE IF THEY JUST HIRED THE GUY AND SAID "DESIGN US SOME ROBOTS AND STUFF" BUT THE FACT IT WAS A DIRECT ADAPTATION OF LIKE A SOMBER AND WEIGHTY SET OF MELANCHOLIC PICTURES AND TURNS IT INTO A "UHH, DID YOU SAY YOU LOVED ME? LAME" DEATH SCENE MOVIE JUST SUCKS. I HATE IT.  PS. YOU WOULD THINK I WOULD HATE THE WEIRD EXTREME PRODUCT PLACEMENT IN THIS AS A BIG SELL OUT MOVIE THAT SUCKS, BUT NOPE. I FEEL LIKE THAT ACTUALLY FIT WITH THE ORIGINAL MORE THAN MOST OF THE STUFF IN THIS. MR PEANUT *SHOULD* BE THE LEADER OF ROBOT CIVILIZATION AND SIGN A TREATY...

 Baby Invasion [movie] MEH? THIS WAS KINDA JUST NOTHING. IT WAS BASICALLY A MUSIC VIDEO BUT THE MUSIC WAS ALL VERY BORING SO IT BASICALLY WASN'T THAT EITHER. IT WAS BASICALLY "THE GUY WHO MADE THIS LEARNED HOW TO 3D TRACK A GOPRO" AND HAD THE RELATIVELY OKAY IDEA OF "WHAT IF A BUNCH OF CRIMINALS BUT THEY HAD VR BABY HEADS. " BUT THEN JUST RENTED AN AIRBNB MANSION AS A SET AND WERE SO CLEARLY NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH OR BREAK ANYTHING. SO IT'S JUST AN HOUR AND A HALF OF THEM VAUGELY WALKING AROUND AND ALL THE KILLING HAPPENING OFF SCREEN SO ANY FAKE BLOOD ON THE 'CORPSES' COULD MAKE SURE EVERYONE WAS LAYING ON A LARGE TOWEL AND NOT DIRECTLY ON THE EXPENSIVE FLOOR. MEH! PS. THE ONLY GOOD PART, AND MAYBE WHAT THE ACTUAL MOVIE ACTUALLY WAS WAS THE "TWITCH CHAT". THERE WAS A BUNCH THAT WAS CLEARLY JUST CYCLING RANDOMLY GENERATED MAD LIBS OF THE SAME FEW PHRASES BUT THERE WAS DEFINITELY SOME POINT THEY LET SOME GROUP OF PEOPLE WATCH THIS MOVIE AND JU...

 Hundreds of beavers [movie] EH? I JUST DIDN'T LIKE THIS MUCH AT ALL. IT LOOKED LIKE I WOULDN'T BUT IT GOT SUCH UNIVERSAL PRAISE I WATCHED IT AND JUST, MEH?  THE BREATH OF THE WILD VIDEOGAME MECHANIC STUFF WAS AN INTERESTING IDEA FOR A MOVIE I GUESS? IT FELT WEIRD THAT THE FIRST 30 MINUTES WERE SO SPECIFICALLY LIVE ACTION LOONY TUNES THEN I THINK THEY LITERALLY PLAYED BREATH OF THE WILD OR SOMETHING AND JUST DID THAT INSTEAD??? PS. I MEAN, SOME OF THE JOKES WERE FUNNY, I LAUGHED WHEN HE PUNCHED THE BEAVER AND IT HAD A HUMAN SKELETON? AND LIKE, SOME OF THE MECHNISMS WERE FUNNY IN A CLEVER WAY? BUT I DON'T KNOW. OOF. 

 Mouthwashing [game] THIS IS A FOLLOWUP (SEQUEL!?) TO HOW FISH ARE MADE AND IT'S EXTREMELY GOOD. IT'S LIKE 2 HOURS LONG AND HAS LIKE 10 MINUTES OF ACTUAL GAMEPLAY AND JUST AN AMAZINGLY WELL TOLD STORY. IT'S THE GAME TACOMA SHOULD HAVE BEEN.  PS. I PLAYED THIS IN A COMPLETELY DARK ROOM SO IT FLASH BANGED ME WE "TAKE RESPONSIBILITY" SO I THE WORDS BURNED INTO MY VISION WHEN I BLINKED AND IT'S NOT LIKE THE GAME ACTUALLY TRIED TO DO THAT BUT JESUS CHRIST THAT MADE AN ORGANIC CHILLING MOMENT, HOLY FUCK. 

 Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth [game] AH, I LIKE THIS GAME A LOT. A TON OF IT IS BORING OR UNFUN, BUT THE MIDDLE PART OF FINAL FANTASY 7 WAS ALWAY THAT. I FEEL LIKE THIS IS THE FIRST THING IN DECADES THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE IT WAS FINAL FANTASY. EVEN REMAKE DIDN'T REALLY. I FEEL LIKE IT JUST DID SUCH A GREAT JOB MAKING EVERY STUPID CHARACTER SO INSTANTLY CHARMING.  PS. IT'S 100% JUST THEM STEALING THE TRICK FROM YAKUZA GAMES BUT GOD I LOVE HOW MUCH IT LETS THE QUESTS JUST SPIRAL OUT AND OUT WITH STUPIDER AND STUPIDER DISTRACTIONS. LIKE YOU ARE FOLLOWING A ~MYSTERIOUS ROBED FIGURE~ BUT HE WALKS ON THE BEACH AND YOU AREN'T ALLOWED TO GO ON THE BEACH WITHOUT A BIKINI SO YOU HAVE TO GO ON A DATING GAMESHOW TO WIN ON, AND THEN TO WIN THE DATING GAME SHOW YOU HAVE TO PLAY IN A DOG SOCCER LEAGUE AGAINST LITTLE ANIMATED CATS. IT'S NOT EVEN A FUN GAME! IT'S JUST CHARMING HOW FAR IT GOES WITH NESTING STUPID SIDE STUFF. YOU HAVE TO USE A DRESS UP AS A SOLDIER AND USE A DOLPHIN TO ...

 Mickey 17 [movie] I LIKE THIS MOVIE QUITE A LOT. IT'S A GOOD MOVIE AND ENJOYED IT. I DO GOTTA SAY IT DID MY LEAST FAVORITE THING IT FEELS LIKE BAD SCI-FI AND FANTASY DOES: COME UP WITH A REALLY HIGH CONCEPT PREMISE FOR A SETTING THEN HAVE THE INCITING INCIDENT OF THE PLOT BE 'WHAT IF IT STOPPED BEING LIKE THAT' AND I GET IT, A STORY NEEDS A CHANGE IN STATUS QUO TO BE A STORY BUT IT ALWAYS SEEMS WORSE THAN IF IT GOES THE OTHER WAY.  PS. THIS MOVIE WAS HIGH LEVELS OF TRUMP PARODY AND THAT ALWAYS SUCKS. THIS ONE DID A GOOD JOB WITH IT MOSTLY, BUT IT ALSO SHOWS WHY YOU CAN'T MAKE A GOOD TRUMP PARODY. IT HAS A WHOLE "WOULDN'T IT BE SO WACKY AND OVER THE TOP IF THE RED HAT FOLLOWERS DID A THING THAT WAS ALMOST BUT NOT QUITE A NAZI SALUTE???" BUT THIS MOVIE TOOK LONGER THAN A MONTH TO FILM AND COME OUT SO LIKE, THE PARODY THING IS WATERED DOWN COMPARED TO THE REAL THINGS THAT HAPPENED SINCE THE SCENE WAS FILMED. AND 'WHAT IF A THING THAT HAPPENED IN REAL LIF...