Capital Reviews

 Nosferatu [movie]  THIS MOVIE IS REALLY GOOD BUT I HAVE A CONSPERICY THEORY THAT EGGERS MADE A BLACK AND WHITE MOVIE THEN WANTED TO MAKE A BLACK AND WHITE MOVIE ON COLOR FILM AS A GIMMICK AND THEN JUST THOUGHT OF THE MOST BLACK AND WHITE MOVIE HE COULD THINK OF AND JUST MADE THAT.  PS. WHY WAS THE CAT THERE AT THE END? DID IT JUST SIT AND WATCH? CUCK CHAIR CAT. 

 Robotrix  [movie] I HAVE SUCH MIXED FEELINGS ON THIS. IT'S A 1991 HONG KONG ACTION SCI-FI AND THE BAD ACTION SCI-FI IS SO STUPID AND RULES SO HARD. LIKE AN EVIL SCIENTIST TRANSFERS HIS MIND INTO A TERMINATOR ROBOT SO A COP LADY HE KILLED HAS TO HAVE HER BRAIN TRANSFERRED INTO ANOTHER ROBOT (THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE HER) AND EVERY SINGLE TIME THEY SHOW ANY SCI-FI NONSENSE OR ROBOT FIGHT THIS MOVIE IS SO GOOD. BUT LIKE, THE WHOLE MIDDLE OF THE MOVIE IS A SERIES OF SET UPS FOR SOFT CORE PORN AND THEN A REALLY UNFUN WAY TOO GRAPHIC RAPE SCENE AND IT JUST GRINDS THE MOVIE TO A HALT AND IS JUST WAY TOO LONG BETWEEN THE JOJO ROBOTS FIGHTING ROCKY ROBOT AND THE LADIES RUNNING VERTICALLY ON A CLIFF  PS. BOTH THE MAIN GIRLS *DO* HAVE VERY BIG BOOBS, THE MOVIE JUST BECOMES REALLY UNSUFFERABLE AT HOW LONG IT CUTS AWAY FROM THE PLOT TO ESTABLISH THIS. 

 Y2k [movie] SOMETIMES I DISLIKE A MOVIE AND THEN FEEL 'THIS JUST ISN'T A MOVIE MADE FOR ME' BUT THIS IS A HORROR MOVIE ABOUT BEING A NERD IN HIGHSCHOOL IN 1999 AND LIKE, IT'S JUST NOT GOOD. IT FEELS LIKE A MOVIE MADE BY AD LIB. LIKE IT MENTIONS A BUNCH OF EARLY 2000S STUFF BUT NOT EVEN IN THE RIGHT WAY. LIKE IT FEELS LIKE THE TEMPLATE OF AN 80S NOSTALGA MOVIE BUT WITH THE WRONG STUFF, LIKE THEY ARE BLOWING IN GAME CARTRIDGES BUT THEY ARE N64 GAMES A BUNCH OF TEENS ARE HAVING A CONVERSATION TRYING TO REMEMBER HOMER SIMPSONS NAME. IT ALL FEELS LIKE A MOVIE WRITTEN BY SOMEONE WAY YOUNGER IMAGINING WHAT 2000 WAS LIKE OR SOMETHING. LIKE EVEN THE COMPUTER ANIMATION MAN LOOKING LIKE LAWNMOWER MAN (WAY TOO PRE-2000) BUT ACTING LIKE ADULT SWIM (WAY TOO POST 2000) WAS ANNOYING. IT WAS VERY FUNNY THAT FRED DURST WAS A MAJOR CHARACTER IN THIS AT LEAST. IT MAY BE THE WHOLE MOVIE EXISTED JUST TO SET UP THAT CLIMAX AND I GUESS IT'S OKAY IF SOMEONE MADE A WHOLE MOVIE FOR THAT JOKE...

 Secret Levels: Circles [television] WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU *EVER* MAKE THIS??? I HEARD THIS WAS EDGY PACMAN AND ASSUMED IT'D BE THAT ONE WOOT TEE-SHIRT EVERYONE LIKED IN LIKE 2005 WHERE IT'S AN ASTRONAUT TAKING PILLS BUT THIS IS LIKE 1000X MORE MESSED UP THAN THAT. I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THIS IS BAD OR GOOD, IT'S SO FAR OFF THE TRACKS OF A SANE THING TO EXIST. PS. I FEEL LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT SECRET LEVELS EXISTS TO GET REMOVED FROM AMAZON PRIME THEN BECOME INSANE LOST MEDIA THAT SOMEONE ON REDDIT HAS LIKE ONE FRAME FROM IN 20 YEARS. 

 The Present [movie] I REALLY FEEL LIKE THIS MOVIE SHOULD BE UP THERE WITH BOOK OF HENRY FOR "ABSOLUTE PSYCHO MOVIES" BUT IT'S PRESENTED AND ACTED SO DULL AND BLAND NO ONE IS EVER GOING TO NOTICE THIS IS LIKE THE MOST MESSED UP THING TO COME UP IN YEARS. LIKE IT'S A FAMILY FILM ABOUT THREE KIDS AND THEIR PARENTS AND THE PARENTS ARE GETTING A DIVORCE AND YOU FIND OUT THEIR AUTISTIC NON-VERBAL SON HAS REPAIRED A MAGIC CLOCK AND IS USING IT TO RELIVE THE DIVORCE DAY OVER AND OVER TRYING TO STOP THE DIVORCE AND EVENTUALLY ROPES THE TWO OTHER KIDS INTO AN EVER MORE ELABORATE GROUNDHOG DAY PLAN. THE ENDING YOU'D EXPECT, AND HOPE FOR IN A KID'S MOVIE LIKE THIS IS SOME 'KIDS, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, NOTHING YOU DID CAUSED THE DIVORCE AND NOTHING YOU COULD DO COULD CHANGE IT" BUT NOPE!! MORAL OF THE MOVIE: AUTISM KID RUINED THE FAMILY BY LACK OF COMMUNICATION AND THEY WILL GET DIVORCED UNLESS HE LEARNS TO TALK.  PS. ON THE OTHER HAND THE AUTISTIC KID'S PL...

 Sonic 3 [movie] SHADOW'S BACKSTORY IS LEGITIMATELY ONE OF THE STUPIDEST THINGS EVER WRITTEN AND I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THAT HIS MOVIE DECIDED TO JOKE AROUND AND FORTH WALL BREAK EVERY SINGLE ASPECT OF EVERY SINGLE THING THAT HAPPENED BUT NEVER AT ANY POINT EVEN A LITTLE BIT DID ANYTHING BUT PLAY THE SHADOW STUFF 10000% STRAIGHT. THAT IS BOTH THE FUNNIEST POSSIBLE DECISION, FAR FUNNIER THAN IF THEY ACTUALLY EVER MADE FUN OF ANY OF IT AND ALSO HAD MY NEPHEW SHAKING AT HOW COOL THE SUPER SHADOW STUFF WAS.  PS. THE ONE THING THEY BACKED AWAY FROM WAS GIVING MARIA AIDS.