Capital Reviews

 Gris [game] THIS IS JUST "VERY BEAUTIFUL THINGS HAPPEN: THE GAME" PS. I DON'T LIKE HOW HER ARMS ATTACH

 The Ugly Stepsister [movie] THIS IS A HORRORISH RETELLING OF CINDERELLA, IT COULD BE ANY CINDERELLA BUT IT'S DEFINITLY DISNEY CINDERELLA AND UNLIKE MOST OF THE BLOOD AND HONEY TYPE THINGS THAT ARE BAD, THIS IS ACTUALLY REALLY WELL DONE AND GOOD. IT'S MOSTLY LIKE, 1800S PLASTIC SURGERY HORROR.  PS. VERY EUROPEAN. 

 Pink For The Masses [movie] EH, I ALWAYS WATCH THESE VOMIT DOLLS/LUCIFER VALENTINE TYPE MOVIES BECAUSE THEY ARE SHAPED LIKE SOMETHING I'D LIKE BUT THEY ARE ALWAYS VERY MEH. LIKE THEY ARE SHOCK IMAGES, BUT LIKE, NOT PORNOGRAPHY BECAUSE IT'LL BE LIKE, A GIRL FINGERING HERSELF BUT IT'S ART BECAUSE IT HAS CHURCH MUSIC AND APPLE IIGS TEXT PROJECTED ON HER WITH A PROJECTOR AND RANDOM CUTS TO ART OF ANIMALS FROM MANUSCRIPTS AND SOMEONE IS READING A POEM, BUT MEH? IT'S NEVER ANYTHING, IT DOESN'T EVER REALLY MEAN ANYTHING. IT'S NOT TOO OBSCENER FOR ME, IT'S JUST TOO HOLLOW. LIKE SHE'S REALLY CUTTING A SYMBOL IN HER SKIN IN REAL ACTUAL LIFE AND IT'S NOT MAKEUP, BUT IT'S A LAME SYMBOL AND SHE'S NOT CUTTING HERSELF A SHOCKING AMOUNT. NOT TO SAY IT'D BE BETTER IF SHE CUT HERSELF MORE, BUT THAT IT'S NOT COOL TO DO IT LIKE THAT, AND THEY SHOULD JUST NOT DO THAT. LIKE HER CUTTING HERSELF A VERY SLIGHT AMOUNT JUST MAKES IT FEEL LIKE A STUPID ATTEMPT ...

Shit In the Dirt [film festival] MISS: I THINK THIS MIGHT BE MY FAVORITE ONE. IT WAS LIKE, A GUY WATCHING A BOWLING ANIMATION, THEN IT SPIRALING OUT WITH HIM BECOMING OBSESSED, THEN THAT WAS ACTUALLY THE BOWLING ANIMATION, THEN IT KEPT PULLING OUT MORE LEVELS THEN ENDED WITH A PHOTO OF A BOWLING PIN'S WEIRD VAGINA? HOW YOU WERE MADE: A LIKE, 10 SECOND ANIMATION OF A HOTDOG AND A FLY MAKING OUT AND HAVING SEX BEHIND A DUMPSTER. THIS IS NOT AN EMERGENCY: TWO TEEN GIRLS GET HIGH ON THE WAY TO DOING TAROT READINGS AT A GRAVEYARD AND LOSE THE BABY THEY WERE WATCHING, THAT HAVE A BUNCH OF ADVENTURE TIME ESQ ANTICS. THIS FEELS LIKE THE MOST LEGITIMATE PITCH FOR A SERIES OF THESE.  THE POSTMAN: AN ADULT BRITISH MAN IS INTENSELY PLAYING PRETEND ON A BIKE THEN A MAILMAN COMES AND TRIES TO TAL TO HIM.  BURITTO BREAKDOWN: A YOUTUBER IS MAKING A NEGETIVE REVIEW OF CHIPOTLE BURRITO BUT IT'S HACKED TO BE POORLY EDITED TO BE POSITIVE, THEN AFTER A COUPLE ROUNDS CHIPOTLE ANNOUNCES HE'S JEFF...

The Sound of Summer [movie] THIS IS A VERY LOW BUDGET JAPANESE BODY HORROR MOVIE ABOUT A WOMAN WHO BELIEVES SOMEONE IS PUTTING CICADAS IN HER BODY.  THE EFFECTS ARE TERRIBLE BUT THE WEIRD QUIET PACE OF THE MOVIE AND SHORT LENGTH MAKES IT REALLY GOOD.  PS. I JUST LIKE WHEN THINGS KNOW THE SAME TRIVIA I KNOW. MATCHBOX SIGN. 

 No Kidding [book. comic] HAVE YOU EVER HAD THE EXPERIANCE OF MEETING A GUY WHO SHARES AN OPINION WITH YOU BUT THEY EXPRESS IT IN THE MOST RANCID WAY POSSIBLE AND IT'S SUPER AWFUL? THAT'S THIS BOOK, I WAS LIKE, TELLING A BOOK I WAS READING TO SHUT UP.  PS. I MEAN, ONCE IT ACTUALLY GOT TO THE ABORTION STORYLINE IT GOT A TON BETTER, THIS HAS MULTIPLE AUTHORS AND I VERY VERY STRONGLY SUSPECT THE CLEAR DIVISION OF LABOR WAS THAT A DIFFERENT PERSON WAS WRITING THE EXTREMELY ANNOYING SINGLE PANEL COMICS THAN THE PERSON WRITING THE THROUGH NARRATIVE. I FEEL LIKE I CAN NOT EVEN DIVINE WHAT SOME OF THE SINGLE PANEL ONES ARE EVEN COMPLAINING ABOUT.