Capital Reviews

 War of the Worlds [movie] THIS ISN'T A GOOD MOVIE, IT'S NOT GOOD. BUT LIKE, IT'S BLANDLY BAD. IT'S WORSE THAN A MOVIE SHOULD BE BUT IF IT WAS A SCI-FI CHANNEL ORIGINAL MOVIE IT'D REALLY BE ABOVE AVERAGE. IT'S NOT FUNNY BAD, OR A TRAINWRECK PARTICULARLY.  LIKE TO THE POINT I FEEL LIKE I SMELL A CONSPIRACY. LIKE I WATCHED IT BECAUSE I SAW A MILLION "WORST MOVIE EVER MADE" REVIEWS, AND LIKE, EVEN THE TAG LINE IS "WORSE THAN YOU THINK" WHICH IS HARD TO ACTUALLY MAP TO ANYTHING IN THE MOVIE. I REALLY GENUINELY THINK THIS LIKE 5 OUT OF 10 MOVIE. MANUFACTURED SOME FAKE ONLINE CAMPAIGN TO GET PEOPLE TO WATCH A BAD MOVIE. BUT IT'S NOT 'THE HAPPENING" OR "BIRDEMIC" ANYTHING, I LIKED IT BETTER THAN 'TWISTERS" EVEN. THERE WAS EVEN AN ELEMENT THIS MOVIE WASN'T IT, BUT I KINDA LIKED THE MODERN TAKE ON ALIEN WORLD THROUGH CABLE AND FACEBOOK AND TWITTER.  PS. SPEAKING OF FACEBOOK AND CABLE AND FAKE MANUFACTURED STUFF, WHA...

 Takopi's Original Sin [anime] THIS IS "WHAT IF MAGICAL MADOKA WAS DORAEMON" AND IT'S VERY GOOD. ACTUALLY, IT'S KINDA NOT VERY GOOD, BUT LIKE, THE PREMISE OF "THE BIGGEST LOSER IN SCHOOL GETS A WIMSICAL CHILDLIKE COMPANION WITH WACKY GADGETS" APPLIED TO A MODERN/REALISTIC LEVEL OF WHO THE SADDEST KID IN SCHOOL WOULD BE CREATED LIKE, TWO TO THREE EPISODES OF REALLY GENUINELY SHOCKING AND WELL MADE CONTENT, THEN A COUPLE MORE EPISODES THAT WERE REALLY MUDDLED AND CONFUSING AND DIDN'T REALLY GO ANYWHERE. BUT AS A SIX EPISODE SERIES, IT FEELS LIKE IT'S ALLOWED TO BE BASICALLY 'THE FIRST EPISODE WILL MAKE YOUR JAW DROP, THEN, IDK, THERE IS SOME OTHER EPISODES TOO"  PS. IT'S FUNNY HOW EVERY GOOD ANIME IS A DECONSTRUCTION OF A GENRE, THERE IS NEVER GOOD ANIME THAT IS JUST ANIME, ONLY ONES THAT DECONSTRUCT ANOTHER ONE. IT'S FUNNY HOW EVEN EVANGELION WAS THAT, I JUST HAD NOT WATCHED ENOUGH MECHA ANIME IN 1998 TO KNOW THAT. 

 The Naked Gun [movie] I FEEL LIKE THIS MOVIE EXISTS BECAUSE SOMEONE NOTICED "LIAM NEESON" HAS LIKE, ALITERATION WITH "LESLIE NIELSEN". THE TRAILERS MADE THIS LOOK AWFUL, I REALLY EXPECTED IT TO JUST BE A BUNCH OF RECYCLED JOKES BUT WORSE, AND IT DID HAVE THAT, BUT IT WAS DECENT MOSTLY,  THE FROSTY SEX SCENE THING, THE MULTIPLE FAKE WALLS, "THE SOFTEST PART OF MY TUMMY" WERE ALL GOOD JOKES THAT *WOULD* HAVE BEEN IN A NAKED GUN MOVIE BUT WITHOUT BEING AN EXACT COPY OF ANY SPECIFIC JOKE. I THINK THIS FELL BY NOT BEING A VERY QUOTABLE MOVIE, BUT I LAUGHED QUITE A BIT. IT HAD A LOT OF CLASSIC SIMPSONS TYPE HUMOR.  PS. I'M REALLY CURIOUS WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED WITH THE PRODUCTION OF THIS. THE WHOLE PLOT CENTERING AROUND SELF DRIVING CARS AND THE POLICE CAR BEING REPLACED BY A SELF DRIVING CAR THEN *NOT* HAVING THAT LEAD UP TO THE POLICE SQUAD OPENING SEEMS INSANE. THEY EVEN PLAYED THE ORIGINAL IN THE END CREDITS SO THEY DIDN'T FORGET ABOUT IT OR ANYTHIN...

 The Fantastic Four: First Steps [movie] I THINK I GENERALLY DISLIKE FANTASTIC FOUR ANYTHING. ESPECIALLY THE MOVIES. THIS IS PRETTY GOOD THOUGH. I FEEL LIKE I AM PRETTY BIG ON THE CONCEPT GALACTUS SHOULD BE A FORCE OF NATURE AND ANY TIME THEY BEAT HIM BY FIGHTING HIM THEY ARE DOING IT WRONG. THIS DID IT PRETTY WELL BY HAVING IT BE A INEVITABLE FEELING END OF THE WORLD, AND THEN MADE THE FIGHTING SUE STORE HAVING SOME SORT OF STROKE AND GRUNTING A LOT TO PUSH BACK GOD BY FORCE OF WILL TO SAVE HER BABY, AND THAT WAS A GOOD ENOUGH TURN INTO THE TROPE I DON'T GENERALLY LIKE OF "JUST GET REAL MAD TO BEAT THE UNBEATABLE SUPERVILLIAN"  PS. THE BEST PART OF THE MOVIE WAS THE END CREDITS MUSIC, I DON'T THINK THAT WAS EVEN A REAL SONG? I THINK THEY JUST MADE THAT SONG FOR THIS MOVIE???

 Zombies 4: Dawn of the Vampire [movie] I HATE THIS SO MUCH. I DON'T THINK I CAN THINK OF A MOVIE I HAD A HARDER TIME FOLLOWING. IT FEELS LIKE THERE IS SO MANY PLACES THEY WOULD JUST INTRODUCE OR START TALKING ABOUT SOME CONCEPT THEN NOT EXPLAIN IT FOR LIKE 45 MINUTES. NOT EVEN AS LIKE, A STORY OR WRITING THING, JUST LIKE THE MOVIE WAS OUT OF ORDER OR SOMETHING. EVEN IF YOU GAVE ME A MILLION DOLLARS I DO NOT THINK I COULD TELL YOU THE PROPERTIES OF A DAYWALKER OR WHAT THE TOWERS WERE FOR.  PS. I WATCH EVERY ONE OF THESE WITH MY NIECE. I FEEL LIKE THE FIRST ONE SHOULD BE TAUGHT IN COLLEGE CLASSES AS THE MOST BAFFLING AND CONFUSED TAKE ON RACE YOU COULD POSSIBLY MAKE. THIS ONE MAKES THE VAMPIRES BLACK PEOPLE AND THE DAYWALKERS WHITE PEOPLE THEN NEVER EVER EVER MENTIONS THEY DID THAT. LIKE SOMEONE HAD AN IDEA AND THEN DISNEY WAS LIKE "NO WAY IN HELL ARE YOU DOING THAT" BUT DIDN'T REFLIM. 

 Moana 2 [movie] THIS MOVIE SEEMED SO STREAMLINED. LIKE NO ONE EVER HAD ANY PROBLEMS OR ISSUES AND EVERYTHING WAS SOLVED BY WHATEVER THEY WERE DOING ALREADY.  PS.  LIKE 60% OF THE CHARACTERS DIDN'T MATTER OR CONTRIBUTE TO THE PLOT. THE BAT LADY JUST NEVER CAME UP AGAIN