Capital Reviews

 Wicked: For Good [movie] IT'S NOT LIKE THIS IS TERRIBLE, BUT I DO BUY THE THEORY THEY SPLIT THE MOVIE IN TWO BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES THE SECOND HALF OF WICKED. NONE OF THE SONGS WERE REALLY ANYTHING AND THE PLOTTING AND PACE JUST ABSOLUTELY WENT OFF A CLIFF PRETTY QUICK. WHICH I IMAGINE UNIVERSAL PICTURES WAS THANKING THEIR STARS FOR BECAUSE THE BEST PART WAS THE LIKE 5 MINUTES THIS GOT SO POLITICAL WITH THE ANIMALS IN A WAY THAT FELT LIKE WAS ALWAYS POLITICAL, BUT IN LIKE A SAFE NOTHING WAY WHEN THEY GREENLIT THIS MOVIE IN LIKE 2015 OR WHATEVER THAT WAS NOT GENERIC IN 2025, BUT ALSO WAS OVER IMMEDIATELY. (NO, THE BEST PART WAS THE WEIRD AMOUNT OF FOCUS ON POSTER IN THIS MOVIE, IT FELT LIKE THEY HIRED SOMEONE WHO WAS GOOD AT MAKING POSTERS AND PROMOTED HIM TO LIKE, LEAD SET DESIGNER. (NO, THE BEST PART WAS ELPHABA'S SEX RUG)) PS. I READ THE FIRST WIZARD OF OZ THEN EXACTLY ONE OTHER BOOK AND I'M GONNA DO THAT THING I DO WITH DR WHO LUNGBARROW WHERE I READ EXACTLY ONE BOOK AND ...

 The Toxic Avenger [movie] I EXPECTED TO ABSOLUTELY HATE THIS BUT I THINK I KINDA LIKE IT. LIKE 90% OF IT WAS THE SERIOUS REMAKE I FEARED THEY WERE GONNA MAKE, BUT THEN EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE IT WOULD HAVE A TROMA JOKE WHICH WOULDN'T HAVE EVEN BEEN FUNNY IN A REAL TROMA MOVIE BUT BECAUSE THIS MOVIE WAS SORT OF SOMETIMES TRYING TO BE REAL ENDED UP A MILLION TIMES FUNNIER THAN THEY SHOULD OF. LIKE SOMEONE CALLING HIM A DEMON AND SOMEONE CALLING HIM A FIEND AND THEN SOMEONE OFF SCREEN SAYING "THOSE ARE THE SAME THING" IS BARELY A JOKE, BUT MADE ME LAUGH OUT LOUD IN REAL LIFE. ALSO "HEY BOYS" AND "BACKFLIP" AND "I JUST SAID I'D FIND OUT HOW PAINFUL IT WAS"  PS. THE TOWN IS NAMED ST ROMA VILLE AND THEN IT DOES THE FALLOUT THING ON THE SIGN AND LIKE, THAT IS A GOOD SUMMARY OF WHAT THIS MOVIE ENDED UP BEING. LIKE NEEDING TO PUT A MORE SERIOUS LAYER ON THEN IMMEDIATELY REMOVING IT ANYWAY.  

 They Shoot Horses Don't They [movie] THIS MOVIE IS WEIRDLY COMPELLING. I HAVE THE ASSUMPTION THAT A 60S JANE FONDA MOVIE IS GONNA BE DULL AND BAD. BUT I KINDA LIKED THIS. IT'S ABOUT A 1930S DANCE MARATHON THAT GOES ON FOR DAYS AND DAYS AND DAYS AS NO ONE WANTS TO QUIT BECAUSE IT'S THE GREAT DEPRESSION AND WINNING IS THEIR ONLY CHANCE. IT'S BASICALLY THE SAME MOVIE AS THE LONG WALK, WHERE EVERYONE IS JUST SLOWLY FALLING APART. I DON'T KNOW. IT WON A TON OF AWARDS SO I SHOULDN'T BE SHOCKED, BUT I DIDN'T EXPECT TO LIKE IT.  PS. I SAID THE PHRASE 'THEY SHOOT HORSES DON'T THEY" AND THEN KNEW IT WAS A REFERANCE, BUT LITERALLY HAD NO IDEA TO WHAT. SO I HAD TO ACTUALLY WATCH THIS. I'M SURE I KNEW ABOUT IT DUE TO SIMPSONS ALTHOUGH I CAN'T REALLY FIND A REFERANCE IN THAT BEYOND A FAKE MOVIE POSTER I WOULDN'T HAVE NOTICED. I STILL JUST *KNOW* THIS IS A THING SIMPSONS WOULD TALK ABOUT. 

 All Fours [book] I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS ONE.  IT'S A BOOK ABOUT BEING 45. I THINK THE SECRET PREMISE IS THE AUTHOR INTERVIEWED REAL WOMEN/PEOPLE AND INTEGRATED THAT INTO THE STORY, BUT THAT FELT LIKE IT REALLY DIDN'T WORK WELL AT ALL. LIKE I FEEL LIKE THE REAL PEOPLE WERE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE GAY AND STRAIGHT, IN RELATIONSHIPS, SINGLE AND DIVORCED AND THEY MASHED THAT INTO ONE PERSON AND IT JUST MADE HER SEEM REALLY WEIRD AND MEAN TO EVERYONE. ALSO IT FELT LIKE IT LEFT A LOT OF STORY THREADS REALLY FLOATING. ALSO THERE WAS A LOT OF SEX SCENES AND FOR A WHILE A LOT OF THEM HAD SOME GROSS OUT ELEMENT TO THEM? WHICH FELT LIKE SOME "YOU GET OLDER AND ACCEPT BODIES" OR SOMETHING, THEN IT KINDA DROPPED IT AND JUST HAD EROTICA TYPE SEX SCENES, AND IT WAS LIKE "WHY DID EVERYONE HAVE GROSS SEX ONLY IN THE FIRST THIRD OF THE BOOK???". ALSO I LIKE HOW THEY INCLUDED A MENOPAUSE HORMONE CHART THEN KINDA RANDOMLY 200 PAGES LATER THEY WERE LIKE 'THAT WASN'T EVEN...

 Predator: Badlands [movie] THIS MOVIE WAS STUPID AND KINDA ANNOYING, BUT ALMOST EVERY PREDATOR MOVIE HAS BEEN PRETTY BAD (AUTISM STEALING PREDATOR. WAIT? WAS THIS GUY SO SMALL BECAUSE HE WAS THE AUTISM PREDATOR????) SO MAYBE IT'S GOOD TO JUST LET THEM MAKE WHATEVER. ALIENS JUST MAKES OKAY MOVIES THAT ARE OKAY BECAUSE THEY ARE EXACTLY LIKE THE GOOD ONES, THIS IS SOME STUPID MESS WHERE THE LOCALLY SOURCED ORGANIC SNAKE SHOULDER GUN GOT TO HAVE AN ABSURD MINI STORY ARC THAT BARELY SHOWED ON SCREEN.  PS. I FEEL LIKE THE MONSTER WAS SO CLEARLY A BEHEMOTH AND THERE WAS LIKE COPY RIGHT INFRINGEMENT LEVELS OF COPYING THAT WHEN THEY CAST ICE 3 OR WHATEVER ON IT. ACTUALLY THE WHOLE THING IS LITERALLY THE CUBE STORY FROM LIVE A LIFE BUT I DON'T THINK ANYONE EVEN WOULD RIP THAT OFF, SOMEONE RIPPED OFF SOME CUT SCENE FROM SOME PLAYSTATION FINAL FANTASY TRAILER OR SOMETHING. 

 Things [movie] IT'S A 1989 ALMOST TOTALLY INCOMPREHENSIBLE CANADIAN HORROR MOVIE THAT IS ON TUBI IN 389P RESOLUTION. A WOMAN GETS EVIL FERTILITY TREATMENT AND GETS PREGNENT WITH HUNDREDS OF ANTS THAT ARE SPIDERS THAT HAVE TEETH (AND ARE IN THE WRONG HOUSE) OR MAYBE NONE OF THAT HAPPENS.  PS. AHHHH, A HOOO! I'M IN THE FREEZER NOOOOO AHHH HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO