Capital Reviews

  Kung Fu Wonder Child [movie] A MAJOR ISSUE WITH SO BAD IT'S GOOD MOVIES IS A LOT OF THEM ARE A FEW WACKY PARTS WITH LOTS AND LOTS OF BORING PADDING. THIS ONE IS LIKE, THE MOST MAXIMALIST MOVIE IMAGINABLE, LIKE 30 THINGS HAPPEN EVERY 4 SECONDS. IT ACTUALLY GETS EXHAUSTING HOW MUCH NONSENSE IS HAPPENING PER SECOND BUT IT ALSO RULES. LIKE WHOLE PLOTLINES JUST GO BY IN SINGLE SCENES. I LOVE HOW MUCH STUFF IS ALREADY HAPPENING THE SECOND THE MOVIE STARTS.  PS. I HAVE SO MANY LEVELS OF GENDER CONFUSION ABOUT THIS MOVIE. THE KID IS A GIRL PLAYING A BOY, RIGHT? OR IS IT JUST A FEMININE LOOKING BOY? AND LIKE, THAT'S NOT DIAGETIC, RIGHT? IT'S UNRELATED THAT HE'S NOT ALLOWED TO BE IN THE NINJA SCHOOL? I FEEL LIKE I CAN'T TELL AT ALL

Prehysteria [movie] I REMEMBER SEEING TRAILERS FOR THIS MOVIE AND KNEW IT EXISTED, SO IT'S SHOCKING I NEVER WATCHED IT. IT'S A MOVIE FROM THE 90S WHERE NEW MOON STUDIOES SAID 'WE SHOULD MAKE KIDS MOVIES" AND IT'S THE MOST NEW MOON MOVIE POSSIBLE, BY WHICH I MEAN "LAUGHABLY BAD EFFECTS IN 2025 THAT WERE LEGITIMATELY TOP OF THE LINE IN THE EARLY 90S WHERE THEY TRAILER SHOWS EVERY SINGLE EFFECT SHOT THAT EXISTS IN THE ENTIRE RUNTIME OF THE MOVIE". IT WAS OVERALL VERY GENERIC. LIKE THE DAD WAS ALMOST AS MUCH OF A BAD PERSON AS THE BADGUY AND JUST KINDA HELD SOMEONE AT GUNPOINT TO RESOLVE AN ISSUE, BUT ITS NOT REALLY NOTABLE FUNNY BAD.  PS. ON THE OTHER HAND THE DOG BEING IN HEAT SEEMED LIKE IT DROVE EVERY SINGLE PLOT POINT, WHY WAS THIS MOVIE SO OBSESSED WITH THE DOG BEING IN HEAT???

 Good Boy [movie] THIS WASN'T THE SUPER BEST MOVIE EVER OR ANYTHING, BUT IT DID WHAT IT WAS DOING WELL, THE DOG WAS A GOOD DOG ACTOR AND I REALLY LIKE THAT EVEN PARTS THAT WEREN'T FILMING THE DOG WERE STILL DOG EYE VIEW CAMERA. I FEEL LIKE THE ACTUAL PLOT WAS EXTREMELY THIN AND WAS EXTREMELY MORE VIBE BASED THAN AN ACTUAL STORY. BUT I DON'T KNOW. DOG ACTING. ALSO THE ONLY PREVIEW BEFORE THIS MOVIE WAS A DIFFERENT DOG MOVIE STARING A DIFFERENT DOG, SO MAYBE THIS WAS A MOVIE FROM DOG UNIVERSE FOR DOGS? PS. THE MOVIE ENDS THEN IMMEDIATELY GOES INTO A MAKING OF SEGMENT. I FEEL LIKE PEOPLE TEST MARKETED THIS AND WERE LIKE 'THEY WERE TOO MEAN TO THAT DOG" AND HAD TO CUT THAT OFF INSTANTLY THE SECOND THE MOVIE ENDS SHOWING EXACTLY HOW THEY DID EVERY SCARY SHOT. ALSO, HOW THEY DID IT: THEY JUST FILMED THE DOG FOR FOUR ENTIRE YEARS IN THEIR OWN HOUSE AND THE DOG ACTUALLY ISN'T TRAINED AND CAN'T ACT AT ALL BUT THEY JUST HAD THOUSANDS OF HOURS OF FOOTAGE TO GET ANY EM...

 Granny’s Dancing on the Table [movie] THIS IS AN EXTREMELY BLEAK SWEDISH MOVIE ABOUT A GIRL GROWING UP IN AN EXTREMELY ABUSIVE HOME WHERE THEY LIVE IN THE WOODS AND AREN'T ALLOWED TO SEE ANYONE. IT'S GOT THE GIMMICK WHERE ANY FLASHBACK OR MEMORY OR SIMILAR IS ANIMATED WITH CLAYMATION/FELT DOLLS. IT'S VERY WELL DONE, BUT A VERY SAD MOVIE. PS. IT'S NOT A FUNNY SCENE, IT REALLY REALLY ISN'T, BUT I LAUGHED OUT LOUD AT THE FACE WASHING PART. PRODUCTION WISE I THINK LIKE HALF THE MOVIE IS HER GETTING HIT AND HURT AND INJURED SO THEY HIT THE PROBLEM THAT IF HER FACE IS ALREADY AS BEAT UP AS THEY CAN MAKE IT THEN THEY CAN'T KEEP HAVING SCENES SHE GETS HURT MORE. SO THERE IS THIS SCENE MIDWAY WHERE HER DAD IS HOLDING HER DOWN AND STARTS WASHING HER VIOLENTLY WITH A POTATO PEELING BRUSH. AND IT'S LIKE, RIGHT AFTER A SCENE SHE STARTS PUBERTY SO IT'S LIKE THIS REAL SINKING FEELING THIS IS WHERE THE MOVIE GOES EVEN DARKER, BUT NOPE, SCENE JUST CUTS TO THE NEXT DAY A...

 Pet Shop [movie] MEH, I WAS TRYING TO FIND A FOLLOWUP TO RARE BLUE APE BY WATCHING ANOTHER TERRIBLE PUPPET MOVIE BUT MEH. THIS IS NOTHING. MEH.  PS. ON THE OTHER HAND THE PUPPET LOOKS LIKE A FURBY AND IS NAMED FURBOO AND LIKE, THE CREATOR OF THIS MOVIE SAID FURBY RIPPED IT OFF AND THIS IS A NOTHING GARBAGE MOVIE SO THAT SOUNDS LIKE A STUPID CLAIM BUT LIKE, I DON'T KNOW MAN. THIS PREDATES FURBY BY 4 YEARS AND LOOKS A *LOT* LIKE A WEIRD FURBY AND FURBOO IS A REAL REAL FURBY TYPE NAME. I AM ACTUALLY NOW ALL IN ON THE CONSPERICY THEORY FURBY STOLE IT'S DESIGN FROM THIS MOVIE ABOUT ALIEN COWBOYS KIDNAPPING SOME BROOKLYN KID THAT HAS TO LIVE IN ARIZONA. 

 The Rare Blue Apes of Cannibal Isle [movie] HELP, I CAN'T EVEN HANDLE WATCHING THIS. HOW DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS MOVIE SOONER???? THIS IS JUST LIKE, AMAZING TERRIBLE MOVIE. I LOVE THIS. I FEEL LIKE I AM LOSING MY MIND AT THE LACK OF SOCIAL COMMENTARY. LIKE IT'S SO SET UP FOR INSANE LEVELS OF MESSAGES ABOUT THE BRITISH EMPIRE AND JUST KINDA COASTS RIGHT BY. GOD HAVE MERCY ON MANKIND / QUACK QUACK HAS GIVEN UP HIS LIFE FOR US.  PS. THIS ABSOLUTELY NEEDS TO BE A MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER. IT IS THE MOST "SOMEONE SAYS THE MOST INSANE LINE POSSIBLE THEN THE CAMERA JUST LINGERS FOR LIKE 30 SECONDS ON THE ACTOR" MOVIE IMAGINABLE